Yoga Practice After Hysterectomy Surgery

It’s been about 7 months since my hysterectomy surgery and I’m slowly returning to my Ashtanga practice.  Practice has been a bit unscheduled, and by that I mean I’m not able to do physical asana every day yet.  On the days that I don’t do asana, I use the time slot in its entirety for my Lenten meditation with Mona Lisa.   My practice partner slid easily into our old morning practice routine and particularly enjoys the off-days because of the extended lap time.  

Back in January, I started with a sun salutations A and B, closed with the 3 lotus flowers and savasana.  By mid to late January, I added in the standing postures and headstand every few days.  Since I no longer have “ladies holidays”, I have peppered in my rest days in between moon days and Saturdays based on how my still healing body feels.  Speaking of which; I’d heard that Sunday was now a rest day, so I tried practicing on Saturdays for about 2 weeks before I settled back into the Sunday practice rhythm.  Old habits...

As far as led classes go, I take led primary classes on Thursdays and Sundays, which are so enjoyable after so much time off.   I really missed seeing everyone, the cozy warmth of the studio and the familiar sound of bare feet on hardwood.   I’m still on teaching hiatus except for the occasional sub opportunity, so that means there’s play time!  Oh how sweet it is to pop in on a week night or a Saturday morning vinyasa class for a little free stylin’. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I attended my first full led primary class..  Physically, it was a command performance.  Making all jump backs and managing the arm balances somewhat gracefully.  However, about 2 hours later I found myself on the couch curled up with China Gel and Advil with my teacher Keith's voice in my head saying "skip some jumpbacks".   I slept in on Monday.

What have I noticed about my physical self since returning to yoga since surgery?

1. I have I have more room in my belly!  Folds and twists that hit a wall before have greater range of movement.   The growing solid bulk of the fibroids were really been doing a number on me.
2. I’m light.  My hips don’t feel nearly as heavy and I’ve managed to float once or twice.
3. Upper body strength seems in tact  but it’s my legs that get wobbly and my calves that burn.  I notice this mostly in vinyasa classes.  Also, my upper abs felt sore a lot initially but this has begun to subside.
4. My focus is much more intense.  I’ve never had much trouble with dristi, but it seems even more focused now.

What have I noticed mentally since surgery?

1. I'm in absolutely NO RUSH to regain my previous practice momentum and ability.   My hysterectomy feels like a right of passage along with age (smile) to this state of mind.  I do my best to stay on schedule, but sometimes I don't and I'm OK with that.
2. I frequently say hello to my new body during practice.  I'm still healing and have a long way to go; but at 7 months post op I've been amazed and surprised at what happens on the mat.
3. A weight of worry has been lifted.  Gone are the embarrassing ladies holidays that crept up on me and sidelined practice at a moments notice and created a constant, anxious state of mind.

This weekend, I'm attending a mysore session with Krista Shirley’s in DC.  This will be my first mysore studio session in about 10 months, so I'm looking forward. 

I've been taking some photos and videos of my practice to document post surgery progress mostly, and this photo was taken on St. Patty’s Day.  Found the socks when I was out shoe shopping.  I didn’t’ find any shoes, but the socks were a must have J. 

Uterine Fibroids and Hysterectomy

I've been living with ovarian cysts and uterine fibroids for most of my life.  It started with a little pang in my right side that turned out to be an ovarian cyst back in high school.  Medication dissolved it, but ovulation from that side remained painful throughout the years.  For the most part, I didn't have any issues during my 20's except for the heavy periods that I thought were normal.  

By the time I got married in my 30's and wanted to have kids, my fibroids made their presence known in the form of even heavier and painful periods and increased comments from my OBGYN.  "You're going to have to hurry up and get pregnant," he told me.  "your fibroids are getting larger and you're not getting any younger.  Time to decide what to do with the baby shop."   Until that conversation, my position on motherhood remained at the intersection of, 'I don't want kids yet' and 'it's probably time to settle down'" and so I decided after that visit to try and get pregnant.  However, it wasn't in the cards for my then husband and me, and while we tried to figure out our lives the clock kept on ticking.

Fast forward to me approaching 40.  My fibroids had grown so large that pregnancy wasn't possible so I opted for a myomectomy to buy time.  After surgery, my doctor warned that fibroids were like weeds and that even though he was able to remove all the tumors, the uterus acts as a root and can sprout new growths.  Full recovery took a year, and in that time my marriage ended.   After relocating, I slowly began life again and unbeknownst to me for a while, the fibroids began to grow back.

Now in my early 40's, fertility was becoming an issue and it was at that time that I began to let go the hope of being able to  have children of my own naturally.   The menorrhagia returned, sometimes twice a month and I was instructed to double up on iron supplements.  Then one day, I felt what seemed like a little rock in my belly and it actually rolled around sometimes!   During my ashtanga practice paschimottanasana and marichyasana c/d were difficult because of the bulk and associated bloating.  I take 'ladies holidays' off and they seemed to never end.  Practice dwindled and the symptoms would quickly get worse.  Exhaustion from anemia set in and it was all I could do to get home and in bed most evenings after work.  Waking at 5:30 am became impossible.

The last straw was the hard bulge in my belly that became visibly noticeable and the increasing questioning glances I got when I wore form fitting clothes.   My doctor confirmed that the fibroids had doubled in size in 6 months, resulting in what looked like a 16 week pregnancy.  My bladder, bowel and spine were being compressed which brought on a whole slew of new symptoms not to  mention that I could no longer fit into most skirts and pants comfortably.  An MRI would confirm that one of the fibroids had outgrown its blood supply and developed a large cyst.  My treatment options quickly boiled down to Uterine Fibroid Embolization (UFE) and Supracervical Hysterectomy.

While in the process of making a decision, I scoured the internet for information through sites like Hystersisters, YouTube and yoga blogs.   The many posts I read helped me to understand what to expect and enlightened me to a health issue that ranks as one of the most common for women as my surgeon would confirm.  I would personally speak to 7 women in a two week period (4 of them close family members) who'd undergone hysterectomy surgery.

I chose the hysterectomy after seriously considering UFE, which would have allowed me to keep my uterus and offer some relief, but might have landed me back in the same predicament in a few years.  Menopause is still a ways off, and after 10 years of dealing with fibroids I had my quality of life to consider.  I'd gone from being very active to almost sedentary in recent months save for teaching and the few yoga practices I could manage. My boyfriend who'd been very supportive while I weighed my options confessed, "I just want you to be healthy."

My hysterectomy surgery was on August 29 and at 3 weeks post op, I'm feeling like a new creature.  Aside from the need to nap throughout the day, I no longer feel like life is being sucked out of me.   Still in bed mostly, I'm able to get around without much of a production.   Mona Lisa has been my ever constant nursing companion, supervising my boyfriend while he took care of me the first two weeks and handled household tasks on my behalf.    My doctor says I can return to moderate exercise in a few months. 

I'm writing this blog to share my story and offer support to women who are dealing with uterine fibroids.  It's common to take years to decide what to do about them for many reasons, which is understandable.  For me, I feel that even though I could have made this decision on a physical level many years ago, the emotional realizations took far longer to reconcile and I'm glad I waited in that regard.  Once I made the decision to schedule my surgery, I never once looked back.

There are a few quality of life decisions of note that I have suffered through before making.  There are many more, but these stand out:

having lasik surgery
getting a smart phone (yes, I'm serious about this one)
having a hysterectomy

The figurine pictured was a gift from long ago that has come to symbolize peace with regard to this point in my life.  At one time I thought of throwing it in the trash.  Now I'm so glad I didn't.

Led Primary with Kino MacGregor in DC

Back in March I had the fortune of catching a led primary series with Kino MacGregor through Woodley Park Yoga in DC.  When my daily mysore practice began almost a year and a half ago, I’d started by watching Kino’s and Sharath Jois’ Primary Series DVDs.  I've spent hours  watching Kino's videos mainly because she speaks my language when it comes to verbal cues. 

Prior to Ashtanga, I had a steady Baptiste vinyasa practice peppered with led primary classes and had developed a slow ujjayi rhythm.  When I began teaching led classes, I’d keep the same tempo while counting and occasionally heard from students that my counts were long.    Rather than compromise consistency, I maintained the slower tempo of counting which is slower than most; however, not slower than Kino’s counts.

Kinos 5 counts were 10 of mine, and the shakes set in early for me during her Led Primary class.  My hips also felt heavy during jump throughs, resulting in mat burn and a nice toenail nick on the top of my hand.  Prone to hyper pigmentation, I knew that I'd be reminded of these long counts for some time to come.  More immediate and pressing a matter, however was finishing the practice. The deconstruction of it all came during closing when my shoulders were so tired that I couldn't sustain the inversions.

I hadn’t been pushed by a teacher in the area of long counts since attending a weekend with David Robson at the Miami Life Center in 2013.  There, he used the drum beat to which he asked us to  move through sun salutations.   Since practicing with Kino, I've taken to extending my counts a little, which I didn't think would be acceptable to traditionalists until I read a recent throwback blog posted by Shanna Small  that featured excerpts from the theaspiringyogi.  If you scroll down in this interview with Manju Jois (the oldest son of Ashtanga Yoga Founder, Sri K Pattabhi Jois)  you'll see what he has to say about holding postures for longer than 5 breaths.    Basically, he says that the body begins to settle in a posture after the fifth breath.

Touche students, I feel your pain :).

* Pictured above are a some of my students who attended Kino MacGregors' March weekend workshop in DC.

Kindness

Today is Father's Day, and the weather is glorious.  Sunny, warm, not humid.  This morning I watched church online, did mysore practice, had coffee then headed out to Trader Joe's to get flowers for my Dad, Harold L. Howard, Sr.  He passed away 14 years ago, just before Father's Day on May 30.

Each year on Father's Day, I pick up a bouquet of red roses (Dad's favorite) to take to his grave site.  For many years this ritual was difficult because his death left me raw and wide open.  In recent years, finally, his physical absence has become easier for me to accept.

A few months ago, I was at the car dealership having just negotiated the deal as planned on my new car.  While waiting for the 20-something sales associate to return from her manager's office, my boyfriend pointed to an empty chair that sat facing us in the cubicle.  "Guess who's sitting right there watching you?" he asked.  For a moment I was a surprised by what he was suggesting although we both have lost our Father's and share similar spiritual backgrounds.   In the moment, Dad's easy grin, his steady gaze through gold rimmed bifocals, and his nod of approval materialized in front of me.  At 46 years old and 14 years since Dad's passing, I was transported back to all the moments  that had been just like this one.  My mouth eased into a smile and my gaze softened on the chair.

Fast forward to this morning at Trader Joe's.  I picked out the perfect red rose bouquet and took it to the register.   The cashiers in there are very friendly; no matter who I get we talk like neighbors.  This one was no different and he asked how I was doing as I handed him the roses.  "Fine thank you.  Just buying flowers to take to the cemetery to my Dad."  The cashier stopped what he was doing.  "Wow.  You're the first person who told me that today. Everyone's been buying flowers and no one's said why."  I smiled at him and wondered what was strange about that, then went ahead and swiped my credit card.  The cashier stood there.  "I wish that there were something more I could do for you."  I looked at him.  "Your kind words of acknowledgement are enough."  He looked downcast and we stood there when I almost felt a nudge as if Dad said, "Come on Sugar, show me your new car."

"Thank you." I said again, the cashier smiled, I smiled back and left.  I don't know what made that young man pause, and our exchange stayed with me during the drive to Ft. Lincoln Cemetery.  As soon as I got there, I made a beeline to the funeral home ladies room for some paper towels on which to write this long overdue entry.

Dad you continue to find ways to inspire me.  Thank you also for allowing me to experience unexpected kindness on your behalf and for being with me wherever I go.

Missing you madly, still.

Love,

J

Practicing at Home: The Invitation

I've been on hiatus from studio mysore going on two months now and have taken to my living room for mysore in the past several weeks.  It all started with the Government Shutdown chaos that resulted in early meetings and late evenings at work.  My body ached for daily folds and back bending and I became irritable and agitative.  I sent a few text exchanges with my teacher to let him know what was going on, and just like that, life shifted. 

There were some empty moments in those weeks I didn't practice.   My creative endeavors waned, blogging included.   A few matters of the heart cropped up also, making me more prone to introspection and stillness.  I beat myself up during that time for not getting to the studio because there were some days I could have gone, but I was too darned tired.   I felt like I was letting my teacher and myself down, but as the weeks went by I discovered that this could not have been further from the truth.

Home is where I began mysore and fell in love with the quietness of the early hour. Mona Lisa, who is keenly intuitive recognized the pattern right away, eyes me passively when I rise and then goes back to sleep.  I wake now at 5:15 AM, which gives me about 30 minutes of extra sleep that my body needs right now since the weather has begun to turn cold.  My building is quiet, and the sunrise over the trees outside my window offers a magnificent start to each day.   Acquiescing to changing body rhythms stoked my internal fire and recharged me.

A friend posted a poem on FaceBook that inspired me into reflection of my grasping and resultant suffering.  Change was what I needed to see that beyond the ebb and flow of seasons and shifts in routine that the core of my being remains steady and I haven't let myself or anyone else down.    The Invitation speaks truth to life for me and I hope you enjoy it also.

The Invitation Oriah Mountain Dreamer Canadian Teacher and Author
	It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes." It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

August/September Recess

Since my last post, life has picked up quite a bit.  With no vacation to speak of for me since last Christmas and still nothing planned for longer than 5 days in the near future, I opted for some long weekends away in August and September.  What I didn't anticipate were the mornings I had to get to work early in exchange for my time galavanting for an entire day - usually a Friday.

Trips and a varied work schedule equated to not only missing mysore, but sometimes not practicing at home.  The first few times it happened, I felt awful about not going to the studio and worse, not late canceling my class reservation.  I'd become a regular at AYSDC and enjoyed the rhythm of getting up, getting out and seeing people in the predawn.  Plus, I'm super accountable.

When I practiced at home, I found that The Weaver  no longer woke up with me.  It was almost as though my waking up and not leaving was some gross error.  I can only guess that Mona thought I'd soon be putting on shoes to leave, so why go through the trouble of monitoring my activity?

I haven't been to the studio  much in about 3 weeks, but I've been in touch with Keith regularly and my periodic home practice helps me to feel on track save for the lack of adjustments.  Of course, it's not the same.  Off to work I would go, often sore from NOT practicing.  My low back missing the newly incorporated assisted drop backs.   I texted hot and cold to my teacher "I'll be there!" "Working early, ugh" or "Out of town, see you soon".   I felt like I was letting him down by not being there and told him so.   Keith is always empathetic and I appreciated his graceful check ins.  He texted,  "Just making sure you're OK.  The gang misses you."  

In addition to the long weekends and early work days, football season has resumed.  I'm a Washington Redskins fan and find myself pretty wrapped up in the team when the games begin.  The one Monday night game is out of the way now, so I'm sitting pretty as far as getting to bed at a decent hour during the season  :).  Here are few pictures from my long weekends.

Dave Chappelle Pre-show Stand Up Acts

Susquehanna Bank Center, Camden N.J.

My Nephew George and His Beautiful New Bride, Alicia

Columbus, OH

On the way to Breakfast
Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard

Big Bro and Me before Georgie's Wedding
Columbus, OH

Soror Deb and Me at the Season Opener for the Washington Redskins

FedEx Field -  Landover, MD

Balance

Appropriate treat!

Someone brought in "two bite cupcakes" to the studio, so I had one after mysore this morning :).