Lessons From the Mat

Here lately I’ve begun to take notice of a lesson that’s been presenting itself over the past few months in my Ashtanga practice.  It’s about the timing of breakthroughs. 

This morning, I almost chose to sleep in versus going to mysore.  I’d gotten just little less sleep than I needed, but no less so than usual.  While my mind wasn’t chattering about it; which is usually the case, it was just a feeling I had.  Snuggling in deeper under the covers I imagined drifting off again.

10 minutes in bed with this “feeling” before I threw back the covers and got in the shower; I ended up leaving the house about 20 minutes late.    In the world of mysore, 20 minutes equals an entirely different room when you arrive.    Unmoved by this because my own obstinence was to blame, I dutifully lined up my mat up at the next available spot and began the opening mantra.  Quiet as kept, although I'll lay my mat where ever, I do have a favorite spot.

Standing sequence went a little slower and I felt OK, but when I hit the floor my “feeling” came back.  I just didn’t want to practice and my mind wasn’t giving up any explanation.  Usually when I don’t feel up to practice I can pin it on either PMS (sorry men) or some emotional trigger (PMS) but neither was the case this time.  So I went on doing my practice anyway just trying to finish. 

I’m practicing full primary now, and am content to experience it in it’s entirety while smoothing out the last few several postures.  However, today in my resignation I had no expectations of any successes above simply completing the sequence.  So I watched myself as bhujapidasana approached.  Keith was nearby, but I didn’t look up and ask for help because I just wanted it to be over.   Forward I jumped, balanced and folded, and after about 3 breaths with my feet on the ground I said screw it and mightily pointed my toes.  There I balanced with pointed toes lifted and chin hovering for 2 breaths; a moment that has been 2 months in the making.

Moving through the next set of poses went as usual until setu bandhasana which is a posture that quite frankly until about a week and a half ago could have stood between me and Second Series forever but Keith said otherwise.  I’ve been practicing it for a little over a week, and with my teachers' help is a miraculous occurrence.  On my own I can never seem to get my legs straight before I feel like I’m going to roll right over onto my face.   That would be OK if I thought I could survive it, so I've been planting my hands to prevent what seems ominously inevitable in these early stages.

Fast forward to my “feeling”.   I looked at the clock and saw that I was still 20 minutes behind – WAY late for me to be finishing on a work day.   So I crossed my arms and pushed into the pose for maybe a breath and a half and then placed my hands down to brace myself for almost 3 breaths before exiting the pose.  “That’s it!” I heard Keith say, and smiling he came over to help me into a proper repeat.

It was when I got into my car and reflected that the lesson on breakthroughs came to me.    Consistently, I’ve made advances in my practice on the days when I struggle most.  Be it inflammation, tears, or "melancholy" it’s always true.   Short of being cliché, I have to acknowledge the fact that the yoga I began practicing on my own terms has only begun to truly reward me when I practiced on its terms = on good days and bad days.

It’s often a bitter pill, but when I am in the studio having a good day and I hear an ashtangi “going through” I’m at an instant compassionate towards them, as I know they are towards me on my bad days.  Regardless of who is having what kind of day practice continues and it's in the acknowledgement of others and acceptance of myself that moves me more than anything.  Off the mat in those early hours we share with each other about how we are really doing and what is really happening in our lives.  I've had some very candid conversations before 6 AM.

The asana successes are icing on the cake.  I know I'm leaving the studio steadier, stronger, more pliable and more alive having done my practice.   And this is all on what I thought was a bad day.  Here is where my perception on what that really means is changing.