Watching

The most satisfying thing about my practice is the continuing revelation of things I see in myself each time. There is one consistent thing I experience and that is the feeling of the connection that I always feel in my first down dog. Outside of that, it's pretty much a crap shoot as to what happens.

Depending on the time of day, my frame of mind or how I’m feeling physically, my first steps onto the mat are either solid, wavering or clumsy. It’s usually a predictor of what lies ahead in practice that day. My first down dog however is always grounded, solid as I absorb energy from the mat and send my energy down to it through my hands and feet. As the years go by I’ve become strong and flexible but still have good days and bad on the mat. Yoga hasn’t changed who or what I am from day to day, but it has allowed me to notice.

In the past year, I’ve shifted from vinyasa to ashtanga in my practice and in teaching. Vinyasa gave me the flexibility to experiment and exposed me to many styles of flow - letting me play. I did a lot of work in that practice for about 8 years, but here lately my practice has taken on a studious vibe.

Some time ago, I was having an off day emotionally and physically and at some point in seated I began to whimper off and on until the end of practice. It had been a while since I’d come undone in the studio and the teacher left me alone to plow through. Another time, I was feeling buoyant and light in spirit. My joy amplified when the teacher helped me into a new variation which he said I was ready to begin working on and it rocked my world. Down dog in both practices felt the same.

I was grateful in both instances to notice what practice revealed to me and I’ve got to acknowledge that it was through the steadiness of ashtanga that I saw the inconsistencies in myself. Beyond physical and emotional capability is the underlying ebb and flow of the mind. It’s a layer that I’ve found is revealed in the yoga nidra practice – the period just before you go to sleep, yet you are fully awake. Its when both the creepy crawlies and the rainbows emerge. The meditative state – the place of watching. The practices I mention are of just a few examples of what I experience when I return to the mat day after day doing the same thing, and experiencing something different each time.